The Steep Learning Curve of Cuckqueaning

I have a pretty curious mind. It’s a pity I’ve never been very curious about academic things. :X Instead, I spend most of my time thinking about kink. In particular, my kinks. While others spend a lot of their time reading up about technology (like Master) or… I don’t know… evolution (like someone else I know), I am pretty much only concerned with honing my kinks to a T. I adore figuring out what works for me and what doesn’t, and having a partner who’s on the same page is such a treat (when he isn’t binging on tech news).

Let’s take orgasm denial, for instance. I can only describe our approach as experimental. Over the years, we’ve set out to answer a couple of burning questions, such as how I respond to denial while honor bound as opposed to while wearing a chastity belt, whether regular edging adds to or detracts from the experience, how long perpetual arousal can be sustained and how the inevitable dip in arousal can be delayed or prevented. It’s fun, almost scientific, wouldn’t you agree?

And then there’s cuckqueaning, and goodness me… This is a tough one. I have to say the learning curve for this particular kink is the steepest I’ve encountered so far. I feel like we are spending so much of our time exploring, calibrating, experimenting, reviewing, over and over again. Why do I even like cuckqueaning? What is it about this kink that enthralls me so? How do I manage my emotions when arousal wanes? What kind of cuckqueaning set up is ideal? How best to optimize the fine balance between what’s hot and what’s not? What’s up with me and jealousy? Why does it turn me on so much?

For the past two years, Master and I have been experimenting with cuckqueaning within a healthy dynamic. We started out light and then slowly ramped up the intensity. I chickened out at one point and we put a stop to all activity for a bit. Then we tried to see if we could make the kink work in a more controlled fashion, where I wasn’t always humiliated but instead, co-dominating alongside Master, who would of course go on to fuck her. We discovered that though this was incredibly fun, particularly with S our female pet, it didn’t give me what I needed, which was to feel small.

So this is perhaps our fourth go at cuckqueaning. We are in a good dynamic at present, something I’ve written extensively about in the weeks prior. We have a good M/s set up where I’m essentially a live-in house slave, I can fully focus on serving Master and occupying a submissive headspace. We weren’t too sure initially how we would go about exploring cuckqueaning within this set up until we learnt that Master would be required to travel to Paris once a week for work. It felt like the perfect opportunity. He would meet women while there, cuck me in my absence and come back home to rub it in my face.

And it happened for the first time this week… Master headed up to Paris for work on Thursday and spent the night with a young lady he had matched up with on a dating app. It was a huge step for us. This was the first time Master spent an entire night with someone else. This was also the first time I was entirely uninvolved. And how did it go? On the surface, it went according to plan. Master met up with her after he was done with work. They went for a nice dinner at a restaurant near her place, then they headed back to hers for a little extra extra. He slept over at her place, went to work the next morning and then found some time to give me a call.

On my end, the earlier half of the night was pretty manageable. Sure, I had my little anxiety spike, as expected, but I was OK after Master took a bit of time to put me in my place via text, and I found myself working on a long private journal entry to him while he was busy with her. I went to bed at a decent time, pulled out my vibrator and started using it over my chastity belt. And I… came. Lol. Yep, you read that right. I came despite the fact that the vibrator was over the belt, never making direct contact with my clit. I guess I was so horny that the muted vibration of the metal shield got me off. I was left in a stupor, going what the actual fuck just happened.

And then came post cum clarity, and that was NOT fun. The deadening of sexual arousal plus the fact that Master was STILL with someone else and I could do basically nothing to change the situation sucked. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Thankfully, the exhaustion from an orgasm after two weeks of denial set in, and I put an end to my emotional Olympics and fell asleep. The next day was when things started getting a little hairy. Some context is necessary. I’d asked Master to be meaner with me. I didn’t want him to give me an easy out, I wanted him to take away my freedom of choice, to remind me that this was my life now.

And so he did, except he was really mean with me. I guess when I asked Master to be meaner with me, I was referring to quantity rather than quality? I like it when he’s cruel in scene, and I wanted more of that, but I didn’t know that I would hate it quite so much outside of scene, nor that he had the capacity to be that much harsher. Anyway, this was new to me too and we ended up having a really long heart to heart discussion Friday night and also today (Saturday) about what I had actually meant. I’ve never been very good at expressing myself, and when I write, I tend to do so under the haze of arousal, so it was a good lesson to me to be a tonne more explicit and also to temper my requests, taking into consideration how I would feel/react when/if I were not horny.

All in all, this was a good lesson to the both of us and I’m glad we were able to tackle the issue maturely. If anything, we’ve grown from this experience. We’re still on track to continue our current exploration, the boundaries and expectations having been clarified properly. We haven’t played yet since he got back. In France, everything closes on Sunday so we had to run our errands today. We will play tomorrow and I’ve requested for a hard session to get me back in the headspace I crave. I’m looking forward! I guess this is part of the fun of kink… Making mistakes, learning and moving forward. What’s important is that we’ve perfected the art of pausing, taking stock, identifying what needs to be changed/improved, and working together as a team to do so.

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