My brand of warm and fuzzy

Photo by Preillumination SeTh on Unsplash

There is something deeply sordid in the way Master takes me. We don’t make love, we never have. Wait, that’s not quite true. I do recall us attempting to have slow romantic sex once or twice in our first year together. You know, the way they do it in the movies, with a lot of kissing and gentle groping. I can’t say I wasn’t into it; I love the man so I responded in kind. But my arousal is directly tied to my mental state, and romance wasn’t cutting it. Despite the warm and fuzzy feelings that enveloped me, my pussy stayed dry. I suppose, over time, Master figured out that the way to make my pussy wet was to give nothing and to take everything.

Today, Master told me to be ready for him at lunchtime. It’s a Monday but since Master works from home, mid-day sex is fair game. I lowered the shutters so that the neighbours wouldn’t be treated to a view of our afternoon depravity, turned on the night lights and put on some music. At exactly 12.45pm (Master loves punctuality), I met him at the entrance to our bedroom. One might expect him to meet my excitement with a kiss, but instead, he gripped the back of my neck firmly and pushed me onto my hands and knees. Keeping his grip on the nape of my neck, he steered me crawling past the threshold and straight to our bed.

“Stand up and bend over, hands on the bed, piggy.” I did as I was told, feeling somewhat unsexy in my home ensemble of a purple pullover and black sweatpants. After placing a light swat on my ass, Master pulled my sweatpants down and I silently gave thanks that I had put on a pair of black thongs underneath. Master must have liked what he saw for he started spanking my bare ass and teasing my clit through the fabric of my thongs. When he eventually pulled my thongs down, he found me soaking wet and laughed. “You’re such a horny piggy. This is what you’ve been waiting for, isn’t it?” Master asked. Yes, it was true. I rarely get fucked in the pussy these days, save for when I’m ovulating, which was today.

I heard Master pull his pants down and then felt the tip of his hard cock up against my slit, rubbing up and down till it was slick with my juices. When the head of his cock breached the entrance to my pussy, I just melted. It’s been so long since I last took him in my pussy. Usually, he just uses my ass, penetrating my pussy only when his cock needs lubrication. I knew my pussy would need some time to adjust to his full length, but I couldn’t help myself. The longing to be filled and taken, even painfully, overwhelmed me and I started pushing back onto Master’s cock. It was exquisite. I found myself asking for permission to orgasm barely five strokes in. “Est-ce que je peux jouir?” This is perhaps the first full sentence in French I learnt and one I have perfected with practice and overuse.

If you were to ask me which position my favourite is, I’d have to go with missionary, except missionary is anything but boring for us. Missionary frees Master’s hands up to choke me, slap me and grab at my tits. I adore the visuals the position allows. Master has gorgeous blue eyes that darken to a stormy grey-blue when he is aroused. I drown in them when he stares me down while plunging hard into my wet needy pussy. There is also the struggle to keep my hands at both sides of my head while watching his palm draw close to my cheek, knowing that the smarting of skin is inescapable, inevitable. The only times I allow my hands to come into the equation is when I stroke his arm in a wordless signal that he’s choking me well within my limits; a light tap on his arm indicates the opposite.

If I had to liken our love-making fucking to a style of dance, I’d compare it to the tango. We’ve danced it so many times we know the steps at the backs of our hands. We move in tandem, slow at first, but always ending with a passionate flourish. I turn, twist, raise, lower, suck, moan, scream to Master’s lead. I’ve always wondered what we might look like to someone on the outside looking in. The R word comes to mind, but nothing could be further from the truth. “But how can she possibly enjoy being treated that way?” Oh, but I do. Not by anyone, of course. Just him. Just Master. It may not look it, but every strike of flesh he gives me is measured, not much different from the ‘normal’ form of touch most others are accustomed to. It’s just the way I’m wired. No, the way we’re wired.

After Master emptied his balls deep inside me, I took his cock, still hard, in my mouth and cleaned the mixture of our juices from his shaft, the way I’ve been trained to do, regardless of which hole he’s been in. I waited to see if I’d get some time with the vibrator on my clit, but there was none of that today. “Go clean yourself up, piggy, you’re disgusting.” I laughed, headed to the shower and cleansed myself of the remnants of our fucking. Back in the bedroom, after having been thoroughly used, finally came time for the sweet nothings. Master held me tight in his arms, planting kiss after kiss on my face, reddened from a mixture of being choked and being pushed into the mattress. My face against the mass of soft blond curls on his chest, my hands stroking and exploring his arms and chest, that’s my happy place where I find love, acceptance and joy.

Just take the bull by the balls!

Photo by Hans Eiskonen on Unsplash

Recently, I had a very interesting conversation with a female friend living here in Lyon. She’s Asian, like me. She’s also equally pint-sized, and like me, partnered to a French man. So, I’m sure the following is a generalisation but we both share the same issue with regards to our partners. Namely, they are built too large for our anatomy. Like me, she often experiences pain during sexual intercourse and they often have to pause after the initial insertion and then take it very slow. Many positions, as you might imagine, are out of the question. For instance, she can’t ride him. I have issues with this position as well because Master’s cock hits my cervix when I’m on top. Missionary with my legs over his shoulders is also a no-go. We usually stick to missionary, doggy (with adjustments as this can go pretty deep too) and belly down (our favourite). While she didn’t quite share exactly which positions work for her, she had a different concern.

She and her partner are kink-curious. Not quite full-fledged kinky, but they enjoy a bit of power play in the bedroom. They both identify as switches, but while he has dominated her, she has yet to return the favour. Her concern is that if she can’t ride him, how can she effectively take control? In her mind, it would be quite the anticlimax if she were to get him all turned on, and then not be able to fuck him in what she perceives to be the only dominant sex position she can have over him. I understand her concerns entirely. It is true that mass media has ingrained in our minds the concept that a woman in control in the bedroom always has to be on top. But is this so? While I can’t solve her issue of being able to ride her partner without pain, I was able to open her eyes to the multitude of other ways in which a woman can dominate her man/partner without needing to be literally on top.

For starters, who says that kink always has to end in sex? I know it seems a little bit rich for me to say this, considering that ALL of my scenes with Master end in sex, but in my experience as a professional dominatrix, they never did. Of course, there were other factors at play, namely that any form of intercourse/penetration of me was out of the question. I did not engage in fellatio, cunnilingus, anal or vaginal sex (of me) with my clients. If anyone was to be penetrated, it was them. And whilst the premise might have been safety/professionalism at the time, why can’t a dominant woman take all or some of these off the table if she decides? The fact of the matter is that plenty of women do not even orgasm from intercourse. When I masturbate, for instance, I never use insertions. A vibrator on my clitoris is my go-to, and whilst I have tried pairing this with a dildo/vibrator, I’ve found that they do very little for me. Upon enquiry, she shared that she has the same preference, so then, I proposed that a scene in which she is in charge does not have to end in traditional sex.

I shared with her that with kink, the arousal comes more often from the mental than from the physical. Yes, of course, the physical plays a big part. But, even with the physical, I challenge that it is the suspense from not knowing absolutely what is going to be done to you next that drives your arousal, rather than the actual ‘doing’ itself. Considering that they are both beginners to kink, I suggested she start by levelling the playing field through restraining him to the bed (easily done with ties/scarves to the bed posts/legs), blindfolding him (similar ammo) and then playing with sensation, followed by a heck of a lot of teasing. If I were in her shoes, I’d throw in a bit of mindfuckery by teasing him till he finished, then chiding him for not holding back and using that as the rationale for why he won’t get to fuck me. I’d then finish myself off gloriously with a vibrator while he’s either forced to watch or only permitted to listen (if I can’t masturbate comfortably with eyes on me). But, it’s important to note that most men have a period of post-nut clarity so this might be too much for her partner on the first go. I suggested she be a little kinder in delivery.

I found it to be a very stimulating conversation and I do hope she actually tries what I’ve shared with her on her partner. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone with whom you can experiment on kink with, and it’s only a matter of time before you’re hatching new scene ideas and trawling physical or online sex stores together to add to your new collection, which, trust me, will grow very quickly indeed. I’ve talked to quite a number of women, usually vanilla friends, who, upon finding out that I’m kinky (I tend not to hide this aspect of me from my peers), share their reservations about taking a dominant role with their partners in the bedroom. I think society has imposed the idea that women are supposed to be more submissive in bed, and it takes a very special sort of woman to throw this notion to the wind. When I first started exploring my dominant side, I faced similar challenges. I wasn’t confident in the beginning. I planned all of my scenes from start to finish (still a good practice), and I even relied on a script to know what to say. But really, it’s somewhat like riding a bike. The more you do it, the better you get at it, the less tedious the preparation needs to be. So to the women out there who are hesitant at taking the lead (but who want to, of course), just grab the bull by the balls and take it for a spin.

Musings on life

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Locktober is nearly over. There are just five days till the end of the month. I haven’t cum. My last orgasm was on the last day of September. It hasn’t been a particularly difficult Locktober for me. Master has been extremely busy with work so we haven’t played that much. That’s not to say it was a famine; we did manage to squeeze in a handful of very satisfying sessions in the past three weeks. I’ve had short bursts where the arousal was quite heady, but more or less, it’s been a nice slow burn.

I’m not absolutely certain that I’ll get to cum once Locktober is done. Master has hinted that he likes me on denial. I’m easily aroused and a lot more submissive. At this current moment, I can’t say that I have much of an opinion on whether I get to cum or not. I do enjoy being kept in the state of denial, and I havent quite peaked yet. The last time I was denied for a long period, I held out for two months… or was it three? I’m not sure. Anyway, I haven’t reached the point where my body is screaming for release and I think I’d like to get there before cumming. But it’s up to Master, of course.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage of late, in a good way. I’ve been feeling very grateful to the universe or God/fate for bringing me and Master together. I’m not particularly religious, but I do believe in a higher power. I’m agnostic, I’d say. I find it incredible that I found the love of my life in someone born in an entirely different continent from me. Had Master not made the decision to head to Asia to work, we’d never have met. The irony is that it was his then-girlfriend who had pushed him to make the move, so I guess I have her to thank.

I just watched a series on Netflix called “From Scratch” about an American lady finding her soulmate in Italy, whilst on a six week long art immersion programme. I highly recommend it if you need a good cry. It’s a real tear jerker and had me bawling towards the end… to the point where Master had to text me: “Stop crying, piggy. I can’t wank.” I thought that was hilarious, of course, and so he was then treated to the ugly sounds of my laugh-crying/cry-laughing.

The show made me reflect on the work we have done to merge our different cultures. When Master was in Singapore, he had to learn about my culture, meet my family, learn how to communicate with them. And now that I am in France, it is an ongoing process for me to learn the language, the culture, the social nuances. There are a lot of differences. For instance, my family is quite typically Asian. We rarely touch, we rarely display emotion. It’s been eye-opening for me to see just how warm and caring his family is towards one another.

Recently, my father-in-law had to undergo an operation. It was relatively low risk, but there’s always a risk when one goes under the knife. The night before, he texted/called all his children to tell them that he loved them. I wasn’t expecting a message but I received one. He told me that he loves me like a daughter, and asked me to continue taking care of Master should anything happen to him. In the moment when I received the message, I was extremely emotional, but I also felt sorely ill-equipped. I didn’t know what to say in response, settling for something that did not quite encapsulate what I felt.

And this is something I am learning – to say what I mean and mean what I say. In getting to know Master, his family and other French friends, I’ve come to realise that they rarely hide their thoughts and opinions from you once they consider you a friend. This is so contrary to the Asian way of doing things. At home, the closer you get to a person, the less likely you are to want to offend them. Often, we censor our words so as not to create conflict and to avoid confrontations.

Here, the sharing of thoughts and opinions in the form of healthy debate is expected and appreciated. There is no shame in having your opinion challenged as it’s all done in good spirit. We do not shy away from confrontations and the night still ends on a high note even if the conversation runs a tad tense. Of course, we stay away from the very sensitive topics (like politics on which nobody can agree) because the objective is not to offend or argue for the sake of argument, but to engage in intellectual discourse about a variety of subjects. I appreciate this.

I feel like I have gained so much from Master. On the personal front, he has taught me to better express my emotions, to manage and let go of my anxiety, and to be a happier and more present human being. When we have disputes, he encourages me to share my thoughts and feelings and he does the same, all without pointing fingers. And then, together, we mutually decide on a course of action to take. We don’t shy away from apologising to the other, and we always end our disputes with a good long hug and multiple ‘I love you’s.

On the ‘life’ front, he’s given me a new home – one I absolutely adore. I often feel guilty about barely missing Singapore, but it is the country that carries a lot of heartache for me… with my ex, my dysfunctional family, my life lived for others but not myself. Here, I feel content, free and at peace. After so many years of fumbling around in the dark, wondering whether every relationship needs that much tolerance and effort to make it work, I am so thankful to have a husband who leads our household with strength and confidence and who tells me things like, “You’re a wonderful wife. I hope I deserve you.”

Sorry this wasn’t particularly kinky. Just some thoughts in my head that I really needed to put into words. 🙂

Finetuning the Slave

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m a little bit of a perfectionist. When I do things, I like to do them “right”. Clearly, my concept of “right” probably isn’t the same as yours, or most people, thus the quotation marks. My original intention of keeping this blog was to use it to pen my journey in cuckqueaning. However, once I found myself losing steam for the one thing I had thought I was passionate about, it was très difficile to own up to my shortcomings.

But here’s the truth: I am, at present, no longer keen on cuckqueaning. It’s lost its shine in my eyes. I don’t know if it’s a result of us having gone at it with too much fervor or if I’m just not emotionally built to deal with the challenges such a lifestyle brings. I have no choice but to admit that it’s just far too much for me to manage and process. The funny thing is, I still find myself returning to cuckquean porn whenever I touch myself. It still turns me on mentally, but perhaps I am just too weak to be one in real life.

I thought about removing my writings and taking this blog down, but a recent encounter with an aspiring cuckquean showed me that there was much for others to learn through my experiences. For this reason, I will keep this blog going. I’ve gone through all my past entries to ensure they are correctly categorized, and I’ve also gone a step further by tagging all the cuckqueaning entries. You’ll find the tag to the right of the page on desktop mode.

Master and I have been taking a break from kink, largely driven by me, not him. He is, as always, keen to get back into the thick of things, but I needed some time to reframe my thoughts and figure out just what I want from this lifestyle. Over the past few months, we’ve been keeping our kink to our scenes, our day to day lives no different from your regular married couple. Of course, my household is not quite egalitarian so our given roles still remained the same: Master brings in the money, I take care of the household. This is something that will not change.

I’m of the mindset right now where I want to tune back in to kink. I miss the power play, the high from a good beating, the surrender from being taken roughly in all my holes. That’s likely the direction that our D/s will go, at least for a while. Master has dropped hints that he would like us to explore cuckqueaning again in the distant future. I’m not closed off to the idea. I suppose that over time, I will learn to shed my emotional baggage and not jump straight into a projected future of betrayal and heartbreak.

I took the initiative today and suggested to Master that we participate in Locktober. If you don’t know what that is, October is when most kinksters interested in chastity play commit to a month of denial. We all know how horny I get when I am denied, so I can’t think of a better method to get myself back in the game. Of course, Master was thrilled at my suggestion. “I can get behind that” were his exact words. I’m not sure how it’ll play out as we haven’t discussed the specifics, but I would love to be locked back up in my chastity belt and denied clitoral orgasms, something I’ve been enjoying rather indiscriminately, for the month.

Famous last words? Perhaps.

A Change of Pace

Photo by Phil Reid on Unsplash

The past few months have been instrumental to my personal growth in kink. I know it looks like I disappeared, but really I’ve just been finding myself.

For three months following our move to France, Master and I found ourselves in a dynamic that was deeply intense but also incredibly unsustainable. My entries for the period provide a very clear overview of everything we got up to, from long-term chastity to intense cuckqueaning. I will not go into it again as it will be repetitious for those of you who have been keeping up with my writings. (If you haven’t and you’re interested, take a read. You won’t regret it.) What you need to know is that most of it was driven by me. I asked and I received. Master was happy to embark on the experiment with me, and to his credit, he often tempered my requests because he knew they were not coming from a place of reason. So… why?

When I first arrived in France last December, this was on the back of a 7 year long successful career as a Professional Dominatrix. Master and I have always been 24/7, but my work always came first. And so it should – our move across continents was made possible by my hard work. After the initial month of apartment and employment hunting, we finally settled. I found myself in a weird space. I was hungry to make up for lost time. I wanted the real 24/7 M/s experience I felt I had been denied whilst in Singapore, not for lack of wanting on both of our parts. But also, I was empty. My ‘baby’, my successful Pro Domme career, had come to an end and honestly, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Then, there was also my irrational fear of making a new life in France. I still find it ridiculous when I talk about it, but I have learnt to give myself permission to respect my need for time and space. I was immensely afraid of undertaking the simplest of tasks in my first few months here. I didn’t want to meet new people, I feared taking public transport, I dreaded doing the most basic of things like shopping at the butcher, bakery and market. I kid you not, I relied on online deliveries for the first few months despite living in a country where I have ready access to the freshest produce at the farmers’ market. The truth is that I was terrified of using French. I did not want to embarrass myself, I was deathly afraid that I would be stereotyped as ‘the stupid tourist’.

And that’s why I wanted so badly to have an intense dynamic that would take up all of my time and energy. It gave me less room to focus on what I did not want to think about. Penning my entries after every scene and interacting with all you lovely people here gave me the social engagement I needed so that I did not feel like I was lacking. But of course, it was an apples and oranges kind of situation. I did, in fact, need actual face-to-face bonding/communication with adults other than Master. Who knew?

In the past few months, Master has gotten increasingly occupied with work. It’s a happy problem. He is doing well at his job and his efforts are being recognised. On my end, I’ve found a small circle of new friends to expend my social energy on, and I’ve become a whole lot more serious about my yoga practice and health. Our M/s has found a nice rhythm. It is perhaps not as intense as the both of us would like it, but we recognise that our present and upcoming priorities do not give us the time and energy to maintain the lifestyle we had previously committed to, and it is OK.

Our roles in the household have not changed; I still see to Master’s needs as I have done from day one. We still make time for play, although our kinks are now limited to scenes and not so much in the day to day. So, no, I do not wear my chastity belt anymore, although I am certain it will find its way back onto my body from time to time. No, I am no longer on long-term orgasm denial, but Master still controls my orgasms. No, I am not currently into being cucked, although this is a kink we will probably revisit in the future. No, I am no longer anal/oral-only, my pussy gets a lot of attention these days. And all of this… it is OK.

I am giving myself permission to acknowledge that I don’t have to be a poster submissive for the masses in order to prove that I am in a meaningful M/s dynamic. Don’t worry, I am aware that the pressure was entirely self-inflicted. I’m not sure what direction our dynamic will take in the months that follow; we have upcoming changes that will surely occupy most of our time and energy, but I’m happy and excited for us to find our new sustainable rhythm. I look forward to filling you in when we do.

Signing off from a much healthier mental place,

L

Denial Consequences & A Fresh Start

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Whew, it’s been a long time since I last wrote about what Master and I have been getting up to. Sadly, we hit a bit of a rut after my last post, ironically titled Back With A Bang. Clearly, we weren’t. That was published on 17 April, exactly a month ago. Since then, we haven’t played nor fucked. If you’ve read my writings, you’ll know this is not normal for us. We usually play/fuck multiple times a week.

You see, I had found myself in a very strange place sexually. My libido was pretty much gone and the thought of kink turned me off. I felt like I needed a bit of a reset, and so I asked Master if we could take a break. Master hasn’t needed to head to Paris in weeks, so we took a timely break from cuckqueaning as well. Apart from my chores, everything else in our dynamic was suspended for the period.

Initially, I assumed my libido had been affected by my hormones and would sort itself out once my hormones balanced. But a week then a fortnight passed, and still nothing had changed. And that’s when I realised what was probably the culprit – orgasm denial. More specifically, Master had me in chastity and on no-touch for months. I didn’t even edge. I teased myself with the vibrator but for no longer than 30s each time.

I knew this was one of the possible consequences, but I didn’t pin my state of mind on the denial immediately. I guess it slipped my mind till much later. Anyway, I shared this with Master and we decided to reintroduce edging. We agreed that if things didn’t improve by the end of May, we’d do a proper reset by giving me a clitgasm. I hoped we wouldn’t need to do that because I really really adore the concept of long-term orgasm denial, or at least of being permanently denied proper clitgasms.

Fortunately, it worked. After 2 nights of edging for 30 minutes, I started feeling more in tune with my sexual desires. And the weekend that just passed, we played! Our scene was really good… It was what I needed after such a long hiatus in which I felt really disoriented towards kink. But before I tell you how that scene went down, I need to fill you in on a few things.

First, Master and I are putting a pause on him seeing Ms D. I still enjoy cuckqueaning as a kink and I will continue to fantasise and write about it, but I’ve came to realise that I lack the emotional fortitude to cope with Master having a constant partner. Really, she’s great. I like her. If I were polyamorous and could feel compersion, etc, she would be perfect. BUT I am not.

The fact that they were building a connection outside of sex really got to me, and I had been battling with anxiety, trying to shove aside the bad feelings and focus on the horny ones. Catching covid and then the subsequent few weeks when Master didn’t have to head to Paris gave me a much needed respite. I realised I was in at peace, something I hadn’t felt for the months Master was cucking me regularly.

Those months were exhilarating, but also emotionally charged! I’m glad I had the experience, but I don’t think I can live like that beyond a few months. I guess I’m far too jealous a submissive to be comfortable with my Master having a permanent lover who is not me! I ended up growing resentful with Master, nitpicking that he wasn’t paying me enough attention, that he wasn’t playing with me with sufficient intensity, etc etc. It was unhealthy!

Second, our focus for now is to solidify our M/s dynamic.

  • I’m still on orgasm denial and will continue to be. Master has introduced infrequent ruined orgasms, but a nice proper clitoral orgasm is still far from reach.
  • I will start sleeping outside the bedroom again, starting tonight. I spend weekends in Master’s bed, the rest of the week in my pet bed.
  • I will wear my chastity belt at night only. Master and I agreed it makes sense for me to be unlocked during the day, assuming Master is home, since I am quite active and sometimes can do 2 yoga classes a day. When Master heads to Paris, I will be locked for the entire duration.
  • We reintroduced pussy sex since cuckqueaning is off the table. Infrequent, but now an option. The focus is more on training me to service all of Master’s sexual needs, considering there is now no one else.

Once everything is back up to speed and I am feeling good again, we might explore cuckqueaning in person but perhaps with someone who can play with us together. Or maybe Master will pick things up with Ms D again in future (they will remain friends for now) and I will be supportive of this. We’ll see!

As for our scene yesterday, it was charged. I don’t know if it was because we haven’t played hard in a while, but it felt like Master had a lot of pent up energy that he released on me. I felt like a ragdoll most of the scene, thrown around and manœuvred to his liking. He fucked me really hard in my pussy for the first time in months, forbidding me from using my thighs to keep him from thrusting deep. I had been doing that without realising, but it really turned me on when he instructed me to pull my thighs to my chest and to beg him to slow down if he hit the cervix of my tiny pussy, rather than try to keep him out by force.

Master also fucked my throat plenty, in multiple positions. At one point, I felt lightheaded because he’d cut off my oxygen for just a tad too long, but he sensed it and pulled out just before I blacked out. That was intense and made me realise how much stronger than me he is, and how easily he could hurt me if he wanted to. (I love being overpowered. Master is judo-trained so he does have experience with choking and also with throwing me around in a safe way. I’ve never been hurt by accident before.)

Master gave me a good caning which made me realise how much I missed pain. It was difficult taking a caning after so many weeks without impact, but I was sufficiently aroused that I could take it. It felt like Master needed to give me pain just as much as I needed to receive it. He was demanding and merciless and I absolutely loved it. When he was done, my upper thigh was left stinging from the pain. I thought he might have broken skin, but he hadn’t. He’d just left a nice thick long welt in the spot where my ass meets my thigh.

The highlight of the scene was when Master edged me after he’d cum. He made me lie on my back and pull back on my pubic mound, exposing my clit. Then he held the vibrator in place while he choked me with his other hand. When I was close, I started begging him for permission to cum, and to my surprise, he said Yes! But just as I crossed the edge, he removed the vibrator and started spanking my clit hard. 😦 I felt my orgasm disappear within 5 pitiful throbs, each weaker than the one before. The orgasm was replaced by the sharpness of his spanks on my poor clit. Ouch. I think I started crying and he started laughing.

I leave you with that hilarious image in your mind. I’m quite excited to refine my M/s dynamic over the next few weeks/months. Of course, I’ll make sure to share more! Have a great week!

Back With A Bang

My new dildo

Quite literally. Master banged my brains out yesterday.

The both of us came down with Covid two weeks ago, which was quite unfortunate. We thought it was the common flu at first since our initial few antigen tests were negative. After a week of not getting much better, we tested again and this time we were positive. Master and I are both very healthy. We eat well, work out regularly and we don’t have any underlying medical conditions. And thank goodness for that, because covid damn near wiped us. I cannot imagine how much worse it might have been had we not been triple vaccinated and in good health.

On the M/s side, we had to pause everything for two whole weeks. I didn’t wear my collar nor my chastity belt for the duration, and I slept in Master’s bed nightly to ensure I would recover as quickly as possible. We committed to resuming our dynamic this weekend, so the collar and belt went back on Friday and I returned to my pet bed in the closet that night. I have to admit that after such a long break, everything is uncomfortable. The collar feels even more restrictive than before, the belt is a bother, and I slept fitfully the whole of Friday night.

We played for the first time in two weeks today. We had planned to play last weekend, but Master’s condition took a turn for the worse so we ended up shelving our plans and focusing on recuperation. The both of us have been so horny we’ve been feeling each other up every chance we get, and Master spent the past few days whispering in my ear all the depraved things he would do with me when we play. And play we did. Hard. I was feeling a little concerned before our scene, considering it’s been a while since I last properly submitted. My head wasn’t quite in the right space, and I was worried my body wouldn’t cooperate. But of course, I needn’t have because I was dripping wet barely five minutes in.

Master had me stand to start, bent over the bed with my back arched. He blindfolded me, something I appreciated very much. Being blindfolded helps me get in the submissive headspace with ease as it reduces distractions and helps me focus. I was wearing a cute pair of micro shorts and they gave me a delectable bubble butt, something I was quite sure would drive Master crazy. And it worked. As he flogged and whipped me on the ass and pussy, he kept groping my ass and pushing his hard-on against me. The more I squealed, the harder he got.

Unfortunately, I kept breaking position as Master struck me, forgetting to keep the arch in my back the way he liked, swaying my weight from side to side as the flogger and dragon tongue whip struck the sensitive flesh at the sides of my butt and thighs. Master did not like that and clamped my nipples with the weighted clovers. “Maybe these will help you keep still,” he said before giving them each a push, causing them to swing and pull hard on my sensitive nipples. I gasped and endeavored to stay as still as possible. It worked, but only till Master brought out the harsher pain toy – the looped delrin paddle.

Oh, that was difficult. I started fidgeting again and I also started to make a lot of noise. Having not taken any pain in so long, it was challenging to suffer gracefully! That in itself is quite an oxymoron eh. Not wanting to disturb the neighbors, Master grabbed our new gag, a 3d printed silicone piece of art which fits securely inside the mouth, ensuring total silence, and stuffed it in me. (I will review this gag soon as it’s truly a thing of beauty.) With the gag securely lodged in my mouth, I could only make muffled moans as he hit me. Of course, I did my best to stay still… I didn’t want the clamps to swing too much! I was in so much pain it was beautiful. I’d missed the sensation!

At one point, Master shoved my small pink vibrator inside my shorts, drawing it up nice and snug against my needy clit. He turned it on low and it buzzed comfortingly against me. I haven’t cum in such a long time… Not since 24 February so it’s been seven weeks and two days. (The longest I’d gone without a clit orgasm in the past was seven weeks, so this is truly the longest run.) The bittersweet part is that I know I won’t be cumming from my clit anytime soon. Master still has to cuck me eight more times before I get any form of clitoral release and I’m quite sure that even then, he’s going to give me a ruined orgasm. He’s hinted at it.

Anyway, the vibration against my clit felt amazing… And gave me the strength to take more strokes without too much fuss. Just as I was starting to really enjoy the stimulation, Master removed the vibrator, and then he removed the clamp on my left nipple! Ouch! That hurt really bad. I screamed into the gag and he burst out laughing. What a prick. He gave me a few more strokes of the cane, I think, and then yanked the other clamp off. He kept tweaking my tortured nipples while laughing in my ear and rubbing his hard-on against my ass. He really can be quite the sadist when he’s in the mood.

“Spread your ass cheeks,” Master said. I knew what was coming. He started stretching my ass with his fingers, lubing it up nicely on the inside. Then, he pushed what I think was our smallest dildo in. It wasn’t much of a challenge and my ass swallowed it with ease. I felt something unfamiliar next. I put two and two together and figured he’d moved on to our new purple/yellow dildo and was using the top half to stretch me out. The new dildo has a nice gradual taper, so the middle of the dildo is probably about 5cm in diameter, the base 6.5cm. It is also ridged and felt quite heavenly in my ass. I came plenty, of course.

Master had me lie down on my back next, the dildo still lodged in my ass, and penetrated me in the pussy. It’s been sooooo long since he last fucked me in the pussy that I damn near came instantaneously. Still, I knew I wasn’t allowed pussy orgasms so I relaxed my muscles and avoided the build up. Master could tell when my orgasm was imminent and he quickly pulled out and replaced the dildo in my ass with his cock, much to my disappointment. I was nice and loose by that point, and he made a show of pointing it out, telling me how he can’t wait to fuck Ms D’s tight pussy. Honestly, I can’t wait to be cucked again too so I found myself agreeing with him wholeheartedly.

He flipped me over so I was lying on my belly and started pistoning his rock hard erection in and out of my ass. After two weeks of no anal action, it was quite difficult to take! My sphincter felt really sensitive, but I also found myself loving the discomfort. It’s kinda fucked up but I actually love it when our anal sex hurts a little. Not to the point of overstretching till I tear, of course, but I like it when it is a challenge. It makes me feel like a toy, manhandled for Master’s amusement and pleasure. Anyway, I soon felt Master penetrate me with the new dildo again, and this time he kept constant pressure on it against my ass. “Relax, it’s quite big so I’m not going to push too hard. If it goes in, it goes in. If it doesn’t, it’s fine,” Master said.

But of course my overzealous ass decided it was going to take it all, and I soon felt the large base of the dildo pop in, filling me up more than I’d ever been before. The pressure took some getting used to. I stayed very very still, forcing myself to relax and accommodate the intruder. Master was thrilled, to say the least. I’d proven myself his depraved fuck pig yet again. He made me suck him while the purple monster remained lodged deep in my ass, and once he was nice and hard, he removed the dildo and replaced it with our smallest one, asking me to hold it in position while he slid his cock in above it. I guess this is his favourite way to cum now, from double anal penetration. I love it, of course. I can’t cum, I can’t do anything but lie there and hold the dildo in position for him, feeling like nothing but a warm loose hole.

With the dildo still in my ass and Master’s warm cum slowly dribbling out of it, Master told me to flip over on my back, tossed me my vibrator and told me I’d earned 30 seconds of stimulation on my clit. Of course, I knew not to edge, not to cum, but I was so grateful for the clitoral attention. I felt myself creeping to the edge multiple times and had to lift the vibrator off my clit for a second or two before reapplying it. It was delicious. Do I miss cumming from my clit? Hell yes. I even miss just being able to edge. I would probably be thankful just for the opportunity to edge, honestly, even if I knew that it wouldn’t end with me cumming. But I know what I’ve given up. I made my bed and now I must lie in it, just like many of the other things I no longer have access to. Good god, I love it. Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m not!

After our scene, both Master and I were exhausted. We still aren’t in top form, for sure. Master didn’t fuck me as long nor as hard as he usually does. Covid has dramatically reduced his stamina for the time being. It’s just something we both have to build up again, but I’m so glad we played. So so glad. It feels really really good to be back in action!

Recuperative Reflections

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

The past two weeks have been incredibly dreary. Having spent the previous seven full weeks in intense M/s mode with regular cuckings and plenty (and I mean plenty) of play, being forced to put everything on pause for a fortnight feels like a huge slap back to reality. Except, it isn’t MY reality.

Don’t worry, nothing’s happened on the relationship front. Master and I are still very much in sync, our contract is still very much in force. We are just both recovering from Covid. We are at the tail end of the infection right about now, but it hasn’t been an easy two weeks.

When I say everything has been on pause, I mean it. I haven’t been sleeping in the closet, I haven’t been wearing my chastity belt, I haven’t even been wearing my collar. I need to sleep well in order to recover, I had indisgestion which made the belt inconvenient, and the collar made me cough even more.

I have been incredibly horny, but up till today, my body hasn’t felt capable of being beaten-up and ass-fucked hard the way I would like. I haven’t been feeling altogether submissive either. It was difficult when my brain was perpetually foggy and the pressure from my swollen sinuses overrode most feelings of arousal.

But good god, I really desire to be beaten down. Bless Master, I’ve been quite unmanageable while being ill. The sexual frustration from not being able to play, not being able to cum, not being able to do very much at all put me on edge. I’ve been rather sharp with my words and nonchalant with my actions. I know I’m going to pay for it when we next play, which I’m really hoping will be tomorrow.

Master made a comment that it’s interesting to see how my personality is so different when I’m vanilla and when I’m not. Of course, he ended off by saying that he can’t wait to dehumanize me again, because apparently, I’m a lot less insufferable that way. 😂 Can’t deny I prefer myself better that way too… But it’s interesting in these moments of clarity to identify just how different I am when I’m a happy piggy.

Maybe we need to think about how better we can cope with future bouts of illnesses so they don’t upend all our hard work. Or maybe there really isn’t any way around it but to trust that we can pause things and pick them up right back again.

A Weekend with Subzilla

Photo by Samuel Scrimshaw on Unsplash

This weekend has been a bit of whirlwind for me and Master. I discovered the cause of my migraine that I complained about in my previous post. It was hormones. I had the worst cramps the night that Master returned from Paris, and then I basically become Subzilla over the next two days.

My mistake was not telling Master that I was having PMS. I’d told him about the cramps, but I guess it didn’t register with him that I’d be suffering moodswings. It is true that I’m not always in a bad mood when I have my cramps and I guess I didn’t realise just how emotional I was till I was triggered. I really do feel bad having put Master through my hideous outbursts, but I have to give it to him. He handled me like a champ!


On Friday night, we had our first scene of the weekend. Master was very committed to stretching my ass as wide as he could that night. It did not take much warming up before he was able to insert his cock and the similar sized dildo in my ass at the same time. He then tried to penetrate my ass alongside the larger dildo (with a diameter of 4.5cm), but this proved to be too intense for me. He managed to get both in, but I had to ask him to back off after a few seconds. He decided not to push it, bearing in mind it was only Friday and we were probably going to play another two times over the course of the weekend.

I was pretty horny. The cucking scene had gone well on Wednesday night and we’d yet to wrap it up. As Master slapped his cock on my clit, an act that was actually quite painful, he taunted me with little tidbits of his night with Ms D before delivering this punchline – “Think about what you’ve lost.” That got my mind in a good humiliated cuckquean space, thinking about Ms D getting the tender clit attention while I got the abuse, and that this was the only form of clit attention I would receive that night.

My ass was very well-stretched by that point, having been double penetrated by all combination of cock and dildos we owned. When Master eventually stopped dick-slapping my clit and penetrated me, I did not feel much and I knew he would probably struggle to find friction. It was a quandary. I couldn’t cum, but neither could he.

At some point, he gave up, telling me that I was too loose to pleasure him, and to make up for my ineptitude by using my hands and mouth instead. I crawled between his thighs and took his cock in my warm mouth, using my hands to stroke him in tandem with my mouth, the way I knew he liked. I looked to him for some acknowledgement, but he’d picked up his smartphone and was busy scrolling, maybe surfing porn, maybe playing some online game… I had no clue.

What I did realise, however, was that this bothered me immensely. You would think that, being a cuckquean, I’d relish the feeling of being ignored or cast aside in play. But the truth is, I hated it. Honestly, this is a scene that has played out too often with my ex-dominant and I strongly disliked the memories it brought back and also the accompanying negativity. Yet, I also knew what Master was trying to achieve, it was just another form of humiliation. I got it, so I tried to get into it.

I worked hard, I really did, but he was losing his erection. (I really think he was on Reddit, not porn.) Anyway, he pushed me down on my belly, told me off in a disgusted tone of voice for having to do everything himself, and then proceeded to fuck my ass till he came. The time-out had allowed my ass to regain some tension, so while I still couldn’t get enough friction to cum, Master could. This part was hot, I really enjoy it when he uses my ass to get off, but by that point, I couldn’t shake off the bad mojo from the previous segment.

During our debrief, I damn near chewed off his ear telling him how that part of the scene had made me feel. He told me it had not been his intention to make me feel lousy, it had been meant to humiliate me further. Rationally, I knew this, but emotionally, I could not let go of the negative feelings. I blame the hormones but I was pretty unmanageable that night. I flat out refused to sleep in the closet, haha.

I do credit Master for being possibly the most patient man alive. He knew it was the hormones speaking, I was super aggressive and I did not sound like myself at all. He just kept repeating that he’d heard me, he wouldn’t recreate that scene again, and asked what he could do or say to make me feel better. After an hour or so, I’d finally calmed down and I apologised for my outburst.

We discussed my trigger and came to the conclusion that I require connection and engagement when we play – a lot of it. Humiliation only works when I feel humiliated, not angry. And for that, he could not ignore me. If he had used his words and gaze to humiliate me for having too loose an ass to pleasure him, thus my task of getting him off with my hands and mouth, that would have been hot. I also shared with him that cuckqueaning for me CANNOT lead to me being less desired. If anything, I need to feel even more desired after each cucking, even if it doesn’t play out with a traditional pleasure-focused scene. Again, we’re still learning and figuring things out, and this was an important lesson.


Saturday went a lot better for the two of us. We had a really intense scene in the afternoon followed by a nice dinner at a bouchon lyonnais across the street. Master could tell that I was feeling a lot less submissive because of my hormones, which we had by this point acknowledged. However, I was still horny and I badly wanted to be manhandled and forced into physical submission. It was the mental submissive headspace which remained rather inaccessible, no matter how hard I tried. As a result, we focused on the physical for this scene, with a bit of cuckqueaning humiliation brought in for extra fun.

He started by giving me some impact. I had bought a couple of new impact toys for his birthday – a flogger, a dragon tail whip and a short thick delrin cane. He used all three on me, but eventually gravitated to the cane as it’s the easiest to wield for the maximum amount of pain. I will admit this was very welcome. I needed to get out of my own head and the pain was a nice focus. As he hit me, he told me to think about the difference in treatment between me and Ms D. She got all the nice touches, the clitoral attention, the focus on her pleasure. I got the pain. That was hot.

Master told me to lie on my back, hugging my knees to my chest. He lubed up my ass with my overflowing pussy juice before sticking the smaller of our two dildos in it. It went in with zero resistance, none at all. Master started telling me that my ass was looser than Ms D’s pussy and that soon, I wouldn’t be able to pleasure him with it at all. Of course I felt like telling him that this was nobody’s fault but his, seeing as his new hobby was inserting anything and everything up my ass at the same time, but I kept my mouth shut. See, I can control myself when I have to.

It wasn’t long before Master was double penetrating me in the ass yet again with the same dildo. I felt him reach for the larger dildo and I forced myself to relax as best as I could. It took a little bit of manoeuvring but he managed to make it fit along with his cock. This time, it was a lot easier to take. I still felt filled and stretched beyond belief so I had him stop moving for a while in order to get accustomed to the sensation. Ater a minute or two, I gave him the cue to start moving slowly. He managed to fuck me with the large dildo in my ass for a little… Perhaps a minute. Eventually, I had to ask him to withdraw for the discomfort was quickly becoming overwhelming. Still, it was progress!

My favourite part of the scene was the end, when Master came in my ass. He inserted the smaller dildo into me while I was lying face down on the bed and told me to hold it in place. I shoved my arms under my torso and grabbed hold of the base of the dildo with my fingers on either side of my pussy. I was so wet and slick it was honestly difficult to get a grip. I hoped I wouldn’t slip up at the last moment and ruin Master’s pleasure. That would be funny, wouldn’t it? Lol. Maybe not so much, hehe.

Anyway, with me holding onto the dildo, Master slipped his cock in on top of it so the bottom of his cock was rubbing against the length of the dildo as he fucked me. That was… possibly the hottest thing we have done in a while. I could not cum at all because the dildo was stationery in my ass and I think I need stimulation on the front wall of my rectum for any orgasm to happen. I just felt really full and really used. I lay there, mostly silent except for the occasional whimper, feeling like a sex doll. Master fucked me really hard this way until he finally came in my ass. When he slid his cock out, his cum snaked down the length of the dildo, pooling at the base. He told me to walk to the shower with the dildo still in my ass and only to remove it when I was safely in it. Haha!


After our scene, we cuddled for a long while before getting dressed and heading to the bouchon lyonnais, a typical small homely Lyonnais restaurant, for dinner. I was well fucked and pretty satiated in the kink department, but let’s not forget I was still prickly as fuck. The night ended with us having a very very long talk about our dynamic and cuckqueaning. We are still honoring the contract, for sure, but we acknowledged that I need a few things we hadn’t realised before.

For starters, he’s given me the right to call a pause to our dynamic when I feel the onset of PMS. We’ll still play, but certain things will be paused, like sleeping in the closet, service-oriented submission. Basically, I get a time-off for a maximum of three days per month, if the need arises. If my PMS is manageable, as it sometimes is, I don’t have to activate this. Still, it’s comforting to have this option, and on Master’s end, it’s also a small cost to avoid facing Subzilla again. I also now have the option to pause the cuckqueaning dynamic for a period of a week, mainly to be activated if the previous week’s cucking was especially emotional.

We also realised that I cannot deal with being compared to Ms D in ways that are non-physical/sexual. It’s hot for me when Master highlights the difference in sexual treatment between me and her, or even between our bodies, but it’s not hot when he talks about her successes as a person, or how much he admires her. It’s not that I don’t think she’s impressive, I’m sure she is. I guess I just prefer to think of her as a sexual competitor and nothing else. It might also be that I harbour some self-esteem issues from being his full-time slave, having once been in a high-earning profession. I suppose this will change over time as I come to let go of my own hang-ups that are fueled by societal pressures. But for now, I really can’t deal with this form of jealousy.

Master has been absolutely patient and stellar in dealing with his Subzilla this weekend. I’m still a little touchy today, but the edge has definitely gone away. I’m going to be a lot better with monitoring my period calendar and identifying red zones in future.

Psst… For those of you who think Master is very lucky to have me, I am quite a handful, as you can see. LOL!

My M/s Contract (1 Apr – 30 Jun)

Photo by Dimitri Karastelev on Unsplash

Of piggy’s own free will, it offers itself in slavery for the period beginning 1 April 2022 and ending 30 June 2022. 

During the period expressed above, piggy will devote itself completely to Master without hesitation in accordance with the rules, rituals and protocols outlined below. 

General Rules

piggy submits to Master’s will and accepts his authority over it for its purpose is to serve, obey and please him. piggy consents to being managed, disciplined and controlled in a manner beneficial to its training and long-term service to Master. 

piggy accepts that all important decision making is in Master’s hands. piggy will submit to Master’s decision once it has been made. 

piggy is responsible for communicating its thoughts and feelings to Master through its journal honestly, thoughtfully and respectfully. piggy will willingly discuss any issues with Master that limits its trust. It will not hide anything from Master. 

piggy will wear its collar 24/7. If it is the leather collar, piggy will ask Master to remove it before taking a shower and return to have it replaced right after. 

If going out with Master, piggy will wear whatever Master wishes it to. piggy may put an outfit together but will change immediately upon Master’s request. Master will decide if the chastity belt stays on or comes off for outings.

piggy accepts that it has no authority over its appearance. It will always style itself as per Master’s preferences for hair and make up, and will submit to Master’s choices for haircuts. 

piggy will ensure that it eats healthily and keeps itself fit through regular exercise. piggy will always ask for permission if it would like to snack. 

piggy will run Master’s household effectively, ensuring Master has 3 home-cooked meals daily and access to a well-stocked pantry. 

Each night, piggy will ensure the coffee machine is prepared for the next morning and that there is a full glass of water on Master’s bedside table. 

Each night, piggy is allowed to cuddle with Master in his bed before being tucked to sleep in the closet. Unless Master permits piggy to spend the night in his bed, piggy must not make any assumptions nor attempt to wheedle its way in. piggy accepts that its sleeping spot is by default in the closet and that it no longer has a place in Master’s bed. 

piggy will hold no property nor finances, according Master full control over its purchase. piggy is allowed to use Master’s credit card for grocery purchases and things pertaining to the household/hygiene needs. Anything else must be approved by Master. 

Cuckqueaning Rules 

piggy submits to being cucked by Master with Ms D for the period of the contract. It acknowledges that it is rescinding its right to influence or terminate Master’s relationship with Ms D. 

piggy accepts that it is only allowed to use its safeword if the following are not adhered to:

  • Master cucks piggy with Ms D for a maximum of one night a week. 
  • Master does not spend the night with Ms D. 
  • Master manages his time well and ends the night by midnight. 
  • Master prepares piggy for each cucking, reminding it of its role, place, and lack of control over being cucked. 
  • Master provides piggy with sufficient tasks to engage in over the course of being cucked. 
  • Master has a debrief call with piggy after each cucking to provide aftercare. 
  • Master wraps up each cucking with a scene in which piggy is again reminded of its role, place and lack of control over being cucked. 

piggy accepts that being cucked is instrumental to its degradation and long-term dehumanization. piggy will seize each cucking experience as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth, and will focus its energy on service, dedication and discipline. 

piggy will raise any concerns it has to Master in a respectful manner, accepting that it is Master’s decision as to whether changes be made. It acknowledges that this is no longer within its control and tantrums will be punished harshly. 

Sexual Rules

piggy will learn and commit to memory the slave positions taught to it by Master. It will execute them well and focus on staying in position no matter the stimuli. 

piggy submits to Master’s pain, and trusts that Master will keep it safe. It accepts that Master does not need a reason to hurt it. piggy will never attempt to shield itself from Master’s blows or strokes. It will always take pain as gracefully as it can muster.

piggy submits to wearing its female chastity belt 24/7, removed only when Master chooses. piggy may request the belt be removed to facilitate exercise or enemas, but the decision is Master’s. 

piggy will check with Master during the day as to whether its ass will be used that night and administer an enema accordingly. 

piggy submits to having its ass trained, stretched and destroyed, as per Master’s will, even if this means that piggy will face difficulty reaching anal orgasm. piggy will contribute to its stretching on Master’s instruction. 

piggy’s mouth and hands are available for Master’s use 24/7. Upon instruction, piggy will use its mouth and hands to pleasure and bring Master to orgasm. piggy accepts that its pleasure is of no importance, and that Master may choose to ignore it throughout its service. piggy will clean Master up after ejaculation and leave as unobtrusively as it can. 

piggy accepts that it should not expect any form of pussy interaction, be it fingering or cunnilingus, by Master. piggy’s pussy will only be used as a lube dispenser and will remain chaste otherwise. If Master inserts his cock in piggy’s pussy for lubrication, piggy will strive not to cum as lube dispensers do not deserve orgasms of any kind. 

piggy accepts that it is no longer allowed to initiate deep kissing with Master. It is instead to make out with Master’s feet upon instruction. If piggy wishes to show affection, it may request to be allowed to worship Master’s feet. 

piggy accepts that it is only allowed clitoral stimulation at Master’s instruction. It will not interact with its clitoris apart from hygiene needs. When allowed to stimulate its clitoris, piggy will refrain from edging, focusing only on teasing it but staying far from release. 

For every 10 times that piggy is cucked, piggy may be allowed to attain some form of clitoral release, but it is Master’s decision as to the how and also whether the orgasm is ruined or not. If Master decides to rescind this reward, piggy will accept Master’s decision and remain orgasmless. 

Punishment Rules 

If piggy infringes any of the rules set out above, it will submit itself to punishment. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at Master’s pleasure, and Master shall make it clear that piggy is being punished.