I have “affectionate cruelty” listed as one of my kinks on FetLife, but what is it exactly… apart from being an oxymoron? I know for a fact that I dislike submitting to someone who hurts me for the sake of hurting me, such as someone who identifies as being a sadist. I can take a lot of pain, I welcome the emotions and sensations of being hurt, both physically and emotionally, but I need to know that it comes from a place of love.

Let me try and break it down further. A sadist might say, “You’re so worthless, you deserve to be hit. I’m going to enjoy breaking you and I hope it hurts.” On the other hand, a dominant practising affectionate cruelty might say, “I love it when you debase yourself for me. I’m going to enjoy breaking you, but only so that I can make you whole again.” Ok, I’m sorry if that came across rather cheesy, I hope you can see the difference.

Master has a very mean side. When he wants me to hurt, he makes sure I hurt. For example, two nights ago, Master had me bent over our bed, weighted clamps dangling from my sensitive nipples, my ass taking stroke after stroke of the cane. I was trembling from the sheer volume of pain affronting my senses: my nipples felt like they were on fire and every stroke of the cane sent ripples of searing pain through my body.

At some point, Master delivered a hard stroke to my ass and while I was still recovering, he yanked the clamp off my left nipple. Of course I screamed bloody murder. And then he said, “You didn’t see that one coming, did you? But there’s still one more clamp on and for this one, you will. Do you think the anticipation will make it better or worse?” The answer to that question, dear friends, is that it’s a lot worse when you see it coming… at least for me.

But Master doesn’t just hurt me physically. He’s also an expert at emotional sadism. Within the same scene, he asked me, “How does it feel to know that you’re not going to cum tonight and that after I’m done using you, you’re going to be locked back into your chastity belt?” And of course he was true to his word. He used my pussy only as a lube dispenser that night, preferring to plunge his cock down my throat and ass to get himself off. My pleasure was immaterial, as it often is when we play. And when he was done, he sent me to clean myself up and then locked me right back up in the chastity belt.

I love this side of him, this display of cruelty. But what I love even more is how he takes me in his arms at the end of every scene, rubs my back and kisses my forehead. How I know, without a doubt, that I am his main priority, the love of his life, his person, his property. I am a masochist but it doesn’t mean I enjoy being hurt by just about anyone. I only want it when it comes from a place of love, because he knows that this is what arouses me, that this is what I need in order to feel desired, to feel loved.