Just take the bull by the balls!

Photo by Hans Eiskonen on Unsplash

Recently, I had a very interesting conversation with a female friend living here in Lyon. She’s Asian, like me. She’s also equally pint-sized, and like me, partnered to a French man. So, I’m sure the following is a generalisation but we both share the same issue with regards to our partners. Namely, they are built too large for our anatomy. Like me, she often experiences pain during sexual intercourse and they often have to pause after the initial insertion and then take it very slow. Many positions, as you might imagine, are out of the question. For instance, she can’t ride him. I have issues with this position as well because Master’s cock hits my cervix when I’m on top. Missionary with my legs over his shoulders is also a no-go. We usually stick to missionary, doggy (with adjustments as this can go pretty deep too) and belly down (our favourite). While she didn’t quite share exactly which positions work for her, she had a different concern.

She and her partner are kink-curious. Not quite full-fledged kinky, but they enjoy a bit of power play in the bedroom. They both identify as switches, but while he has dominated her, she has yet to return the favour. Her concern is that if she can’t ride him, how can she effectively take control? In her mind, it would be quite the anticlimax if she were to get him all turned on, and then not be able to fuck him in what she perceives to be the only dominant sex position she can have over him. I understand her concerns entirely. It is true that mass media has ingrained in our minds the concept that a woman in control in the bedroom always has to be on top. But is this so? While I can’t solve her issue of being able to ride her partner without pain, I was able to open her eyes to the multitude of other ways in which a woman can dominate her man/partner without needing to be literally on top.

For starters, who says that kink always has to end in sex? I know it seems a little bit rich for me to say this, considering that ALL of my scenes with Master end in sex, but in my experience as a professional dominatrix, they never did. Of course, there were other factors at play, namely that any form of intercourse/penetration of me was out of the question. I did not engage in fellatio, cunnilingus, anal or vaginal sex (of me) with my clients. If anyone was to be penetrated, it was them. And whilst the premise might have been safety/professionalism at the time, why can’t a dominant woman take all or some of these off the table if she decides? The fact of the matter is that plenty of women do not even orgasm from intercourse. When I masturbate, for instance, I never use insertions. A vibrator on my clitoris is my go-to, and whilst I have tried pairing this with a dildo/vibrator, I’ve found that they do very little for me. Upon enquiry, she shared that she has the same preference, so then, I proposed that a scene in which she is in charge does not have to end in traditional sex.

I shared with her that with kink, the arousal comes more often from the mental than from the physical. Yes, of course, the physical plays a big part. But, even with the physical, I challenge that it is the suspense from not knowing absolutely what is going to be done to you next that drives your arousal, rather than the actual ‘doing’ itself. Considering that they are both beginners to kink, I suggested she start by levelling the playing field through restraining him to the bed (easily done with ties/scarves to the bed posts/legs), blindfolding him (similar ammo) and then playing with sensation, followed by a heck of a lot of teasing. If I were in her shoes, I’d throw in a bit of mindfuckery by teasing him till he finished, then chiding him for not holding back and using that as the rationale for why he won’t get to fuck me. I’d then finish myself off gloriously with a vibrator while he’s either forced to watch or only permitted to listen (if I can’t masturbate comfortably with eyes on me). But, it’s important to note that most men have a period of post-nut clarity so this might be too much for her partner on the first go. I suggested she be a little kinder in delivery.

I found it to be a very stimulating conversation and I do hope she actually tries what I’ve shared with her on her partner. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone with whom you can experiment on kink with, and it’s only a matter of time before you’re hatching new scene ideas and trawling physical or online sex stores together to add to your new collection, which, trust me, will grow very quickly indeed. I’ve talked to quite a number of women, usually vanilla friends, who, upon finding out that I’m kinky (I tend not to hide this aspect of me from my peers), share their reservations about taking a dominant role with their partners in the bedroom. I think society has imposed the idea that women are supposed to be more submissive in bed, and it takes a very special sort of woman to throw this notion to the wind. When I first started exploring my dominant side, I faced similar challenges. I wasn’t confident in the beginning. I planned all of my scenes from start to finish (still a good practice), and I even relied on a script to know what to say. But really, it’s somewhat like riding a bike. The more you do it, the better you get at it, the less tedious the preparation needs to be. So to the women out there who are hesitant at taking the lead (but who want to, of course), just grab the bull by the balls and take it for a spin.

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