Musings on life

Photo by Tj Holowaychuk on Unsplash

Locktober is nearly over. There are just five days till the end of the month. I haven’t cum. My last orgasm was on the last day of September. It hasn’t been a particularly difficult Locktober for me. Master has been extremely busy with work so we haven’t played that much. That’s not to say it was a famine; we did manage to squeeze in a handful of very satisfying sessions in the past three weeks. I’ve had short bursts where the arousal was quite heady, but more or less, it’s been a nice slow burn.

I’m not absolutely certain that I’ll get to cum once Locktober is done. Master has hinted that he likes me on denial. I’m easily aroused and a lot more submissive. At this current moment, I can’t say that I have much of an opinion on whether I get to cum or not. I do enjoy being kept in the state of denial, and I havent quite peaked yet. The last time I was denied for a long period, I held out for two months… or was it three? I’m not sure. Anyway, I haven’t reached the point where my body is screaming for release and I think I’d like to get there before cumming. But it’s up to Master, of course.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage of late, in a good way. I’ve been feeling very grateful to the universe or God/fate for bringing me and Master together. I’m not particularly religious, but I do believe in a higher power. I’m agnostic, I’d say. I find it incredible that I found the love of my life in someone born in an entirely different continent from me. Had Master not made the decision to head to Asia to work, we’d never have met. The irony is that it was his then-girlfriend who had pushed him to make the move, so I guess I have her to thank.

I just watched a series on Netflix called “From Scratch” about an American lady finding her soulmate in Italy, whilst on a six week long art immersion programme. I highly recommend it if you need a good cry. It’s a real tear jerker and had me bawling towards the end… to the point where Master had to text me: “Stop crying, piggy. I can’t wank.” I thought that was hilarious, of course, and so he was then treated to the ugly sounds of my laugh-crying/cry-laughing.

The show made me reflect on the work we have done to merge our different cultures. When Master was in Singapore, he had to learn about my culture, meet my family, learn how to communicate with them. And now that I am in France, it is an ongoing process for me to learn the language, the culture, the social nuances. There are a lot of differences. For instance, my family is quite typically Asian. We rarely touch, we rarely display emotion. It’s been eye-opening for me to see just how warm and caring his family is towards one another.

Recently, my father-in-law had to undergo an operation. It was relatively low risk, but there’s always a risk when one goes under the knife. The night before, he texted/called all his children to tell them that he loved them. I wasn’t expecting a message but I received one. He told me that he loves me like a daughter, and asked me to continue taking care of Master should anything happen to him. In the moment when I received the message, I was extremely emotional, but I also felt sorely ill-equipped. I didn’t know what to say in response, settling for something that did not quite encapsulate what I felt.

And this is something I am learning – to say what I mean and mean what I say. In getting to know Master, his family and other French friends, I’ve come to realise that they rarely hide their thoughts and opinions from you once they consider you a friend. This is so contrary to the Asian way of doing things. At home, the closer you get to a person, the less likely you are to want to offend them. Often, we censor our words so as not to create conflict and to avoid confrontations.

Here, the sharing of thoughts and opinions in the form of healthy debate is expected and appreciated. There is no shame in having your opinion challenged as it’s all done in good spirit. We do not shy away from confrontations and the night still ends on a high note even if the conversation runs a tad tense. Of course, we stay away from the very sensitive topics (like politics on which nobody can agree) because the objective is not to offend or argue for the sake of argument, but to engage in intellectual discourse about a variety of subjects. I appreciate this.

I feel like I have gained so much from Master. On the personal front, he has taught me to better express my emotions, to manage and let go of my anxiety, and to be a happier and more present human being. When we have disputes, he encourages me to share my thoughts and feelings and he does the same, all without pointing fingers. And then, together, we mutually decide on a course of action to take. We don’t shy away from apologising to the other, and we always end our disputes with a good long hug and multiple ‘I love you’s.

On the ‘life’ front, he’s given me a new home – one I absolutely adore. I often feel guilty about barely missing Singapore, but it is the country that carries a lot of heartache for me… with my ex, my dysfunctional family, my life lived for others but not myself. Here, I feel content, free and at peace. After so many years of fumbling around in the dark, wondering whether every relationship needs that much tolerance and effort to make it work, I am so thankful to have a husband who leads our household with strength and confidence and who tells me things like, “You’re a wonderful wife. I hope I deserve you.”

Sorry this wasn’t particularly kinky. Just some thoughts in my head that I really needed to put into words. 🙂

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