I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m a little bit of a perfectionist. When I do things, I like to do them “right”. Clearly, my concept of “right” probably isn’t the same as yours, or most people, thus the quotation marks. My original intention of keeping this blog was to use it to pen my journey in cuckqueaning. However, once I found myself losing steam for the one thing I had thought I was passionate about, it was très difficile to own up to my shortcomings.
But here’s the truth: I am, at present, no longer keen on cuckqueaning. It’s lost its shine in my eyes. I don’t know if it’s a result of us having gone at it with too much fervor or if I’m just not emotionally built to deal with the challenges such a lifestyle brings. I have no choice but to admit that it’s just far too much for me to manage and process. The funny thing is, I still find myself returning to cuckquean porn whenever I touch myself. It still turns me on mentally, but perhaps I am just too weak to be one in real life.
I thought about removing my writings and taking this blog down, but a recent encounter with an aspiring cuckquean showed me that there was much for others to learn through my experiences. For this reason, I will keep this blog going. I’ve gone through all my past entries to ensure they are correctly categorized, and I’ve also gone a step further by tagging all the cuckqueaning entries. You’ll find the tag to the right of the page on desktop mode.
Master and I have been taking a break from kink, largely driven by me, not him. He is, as always, keen to get back into the thick of things, but I needed some time to reframe my thoughts and figure out just what I want from this lifestyle. Over the past few months, we’ve been keeping our kink to our scenes, our day to day lives no different from your regular married couple. Of course, my household is not quite egalitarian so our given roles still remained the same: Master brings in the money, I take care of the household. This is something that will not change.
I’m of the mindset right now where I want to tune back in to kink. I miss the power play, the high from a good beating, the surrender from being taken roughly in all my holes. That’s likely the direction that our D/s will go, at least for a while. Master has dropped hints that he would like us to explore cuckqueaning again in the distant future. I’m not closed off to the idea. I suppose that over time, I will learn to shed my emotional baggage and not jump straight into a projected future of betrayal and heartbreak.
I took the initiative today and suggested to Master that we participate in Locktober. If you don’t know what that is, October is when most kinksters interested in chastity play commit to a month of denial. We all know how horny I get when I am denied, so I can’t think of a better method to get myself back in the game. Of course, Master was thrilled at my suggestion. “I can get behind that” were his exact words. I’m not sure how it’ll play out as we haven’t discussed the specifics, but I would love to be locked back up in my chastity belt and denied clitoral orgasms, something I’ve been enjoying rather indiscriminately, for the month.
Famous last words? Perhaps.