A Change of Pace

Photo by Phil Reid on Unsplash

The past few months have been instrumental to my personal growth in kink. I know it looks like I disappeared, but really I’ve just been finding myself.

For three months following our move to France, Master and I found ourselves in a dynamic that was deeply intense but also incredibly unsustainable. My entries for the period provide a very clear overview of everything we got up to, from long-term chastity to intense cuckqueaning. I will not go into it again as it will be repetitious for those of you who have been keeping up with my writings. (If you haven’t and you’re interested, take a read. You won’t regret it.) What you need to know is that most of it was driven by me. I asked and I received. Master was happy to embark on the experiment with me, and to his credit, he often tempered my requests because he knew they were not coming from a place of reason. So… why?

When I first arrived in France last December, this was on the back of a 7 year long successful career as a Professional Dominatrix. Master and I have always been 24/7, but my work always came first. And so it should – our move across continents was made possible by my hard work. After the initial month of apartment and employment hunting, we finally settled. I found myself in a weird space. I was hungry to make up for lost time. I wanted the real 24/7 M/s experience I felt I had been denied whilst in Singapore, not for lack of wanting on both of our parts. But also, I was empty. My ‘baby’, my successful Pro Domme career, had come to an end and honestly, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Then, there was also my irrational fear of making a new life in France. I still find it ridiculous when I talk about it, but I have learnt to give myself permission to respect my need for time and space. I was immensely afraid of undertaking the simplest of tasks in my first few months here. I didn’t want to meet new people, I feared taking public transport, I dreaded doing the most basic of things like shopping at the butcher, bakery and market. I kid you not, I relied on online deliveries for the first few months despite living in a country where I have ready access to the freshest produce at the farmers’ market. The truth is that I was terrified of using French. I did not want to embarrass myself, I was deathly afraid that I would be stereotyped as ‘the stupid tourist’.

And that’s why I wanted so badly to have an intense dynamic that would take up all of my time and energy. It gave me less room to focus on what I did not want to think about. Penning my entries after every scene and interacting with all you lovely people here gave me the social engagement I needed so that I did not feel like I was lacking. But of course, it was an apples and oranges kind of situation. I did, in fact, need actual face-to-face bonding/communication with adults other than Master. Who knew?

In the past few months, Master has gotten increasingly occupied with work. It’s a happy problem. He is doing well at his job and his efforts are being recognised. On my end, I’ve found a small circle of new friends to expend my social energy on, and I’ve become a whole lot more serious about my yoga practice and health. Our M/s has found a nice rhythm. It is perhaps not as intense as the both of us would like it, but we recognise that our present and upcoming priorities do not give us the time and energy to maintain the lifestyle we had previously committed to, and it is OK.

Our roles in the household have not changed; I still see to Master’s needs as I have done from day one. We still make time for play, although our kinks are now limited to scenes and not so much in the day to day. So, no, I do not wear my chastity belt anymore, although I am certain it will find its way back onto my body from time to time. No, I am no longer on long-term orgasm denial, but Master still controls my orgasms. No, I am not currently into being cucked, although this is a kink we will probably revisit in the future. No, I am no longer anal/oral-only, my pussy gets a lot of attention these days. And all of this… it is OK.

I am giving myself permission to acknowledge that I don’t have to be a poster submissive for the masses in order to prove that I am in a meaningful M/s dynamic. Don’t worry, I am aware that the pressure was entirely self-inflicted. I’m not sure what direction our dynamic will take in the months that follow; we have upcoming changes that will surely occupy most of our time and energy, but I’m happy and excited for us to find our new sustainable rhythm. I look forward to filling you in when we do.

Signing off from a much healthier mental place,

L

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s