Denial Consequences & A Fresh Start

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Whew, it’s been a long time since I last wrote about what Master and I have been getting up to. Sadly, we hit a bit of a rut after my last post, ironically titled Back With A Bang. Clearly, we weren’t. That was published on 17 April, exactly a month ago. Since then, we haven’t played nor fucked. If you’ve read my writings, you’ll know this is not normal for us. We usually play/fuck multiple times a week.

You see, I had found myself in a very strange place sexually. My libido was pretty much gone and the thought of kink turned me off. I felt like I needed a bit of a reset, and so I asked Master if we could take a break. Master hasn’t needed to head to Paris in weeks, so we took a timely break from cuckqueaning as well. Apart from my chores, everything else in our dynamic was suspended for the period.

Initially, I assumed my libido had been affected by my hormones and would sort itself out once my hormones balanced. But a week then a fortnight passed, and still nothing had changed. And that’s when I realised what was probably the culprit – orgasm denial. More specifically, Master had me in chastity and on no-touch for months. I didn’t even edge. I teased myself with the vibrator but for no longer than 30s each time.

I knew this was one of the possible consequences, but I didn’t pin my state of mind on the denial immediately. I guess it slipped my mind till much later. Anyway, I shared this with Master and we decided to reintroduce edging. We agreed that if things didn’t improve by the end of May, we’d do a proper reset by giving me a clitgasm. I hoped we wouldn’t need to do that because I really really adore the concept of long-term orgasm denial, or at least of being permanently denied proper clitgasms.

Fortunately, it worked. After 2 nights of edging for 30 minutes, I started feeling more in tune with my sexual desires. And the weekend that just passed, we played! Our scene was really good… It was what I needed after such a long hiatus in which I felt really disoriented towards kink. But before I tell you how that scene went down, I need to fill you in on a few things.

First, Master and I are putting a pause on him seeing Ms D. I still enjoy cuckqueaning as a kink and I will continue to fantasise and write about it, but I’ve came to realise that I lack the emotional fortitude to cope with Master having a constant partner. Really, she’s great. I like her. If I were polyamorous and could feel compersion, etc, she would be perfect. BUT I am not.

The fact that they were building a connection outside of sex really got to me, and I had been battling with anxiety, trying to shove aside the bad feelings and focus on the horny ones. Catching covid and then the subsequent few weeks when Master didn’t have to head to Paris gave me a much needed respite. I realised I was in at peace, something I hadn’t felt for the months Master was cucking me regularly.

Those months were exhilarating, but also emotionally charged! I’m glad I had the experience, but I don’t think I can live like that beyond a few months. I guess I’m far too jealous a submissive to be comfortable with my Master having a permanent lover who is not me! I ended up growing resentful with Master, nitpicking that he wasn’t paying me enough attention, that he wasn’t playing with me with sufficient intensity, etc etc. It was unhealthy!

Second, our focus for now is to solidify our M/s dynamic.

  • I’m still on orgasm denial and will continue to be. Master has introduced infrequent ruined orgasms, but a nice proper clitoral orgasm is still far from reach.
  • I will start sleeping outside the bedroom again, starting tonight. I spend weekends in Master’s bed, the rest of the week in my pet bed.
  • I will wear my chastity belt at night only. Master and I agreed it makes sense for me to be unlocked during the day, assuming Master is home, since I am quite active and sometimes can do 2 yoga classes a day. When Master heads to Paris, I will be locked for the entire duration.
  • We reintroduced pussy sex since cuckqueaning is off the table. Infrequent, but now an option. The focus is more on training me to service all of Master’s sexual needs, considering there is now no one else.

Once everything is back up to speed and I am feeling good again, we might explore cuckqueaning in person but perhaps with someone who can play with us together. Or maybe Master will pick things up with Ms D again in future (they will remain friends for now) and I will be supportive of this. We’ll see!

As for our scene yesterday, it was charged. I don’t know if it was because we haven’t played hard in a while, but it felt like Master had a lot of pent up energy that he released on me. I felt like a ragdoll most of the scene, thrown around and manœuvred to his liking. He fucked me really hard in my pussy for the first time in months, forbidding me from using my thighs to keep him from thrusting deep. I had been doing that without realising, but it really turned me on when he instructed me to pull my thighs to my chest and to beg him to slow down if he hit the cervix of my tiny pussy, rather than try to keep him out by force.

Master also fucked my throat plenty, in multiple positions. At one point, I felt lightheaded because he’d cut off my oxygen for just a tad too long, but he sensed it and pulled out just before I blacked out. That was intense and made me realise how much stronger than me he is, and how easily he could hurt me if he wanted to. (I love being overpowered. Master is judo-trained so he does have experience with choking and also with throwing me around in a safe way. I’ve never been hurt by accident before.)

Master gave me a good caning which made me realise how much I missed pain. It was difficult taking a caning after so many weeks without impact, but I was sufficiently aroused that I could take it. It felt like Master needed to give me pain just as much as I needed to receive it. He was demanding and merciless and I absolutely loved it. When he was done, my upper thigh was left stinging from the pain. I thought he might have broken skin, but he hadn’t. He’d just left a nice thick long welt in the spot where my ass meets my thigh.

The highlight of the scene was when Master edged me after he’d cum. He made me lie on my back and pull back on my pubic mound, exposing my clit. Then he held the vibrator in place while he choked me with his other hand. When I was close, I started begging him for permission to cum, and to my surprise, he said Yes! But just as I crossed the edge, he removed the vibrator and started spanking my clit hard. 😦 I felt my orgasm disappear within 5 pitiful throbs, each weaker than the one before. The orgasm was replaced by the sharpness of his spanks on my poor clit. Ouch. I think I started crying and he started laughing.

I leave you with that hilarious image in your mind. I’m quite excited to refine my M/s dynamic over the next few weeks/months. Of course, I’ll make sure to share more! Have a great week!

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