My brain works in ways I doubt I will ever comprehend. Following Wednesday night’s emotionally toiling cuckqueaning scene, I awoke the following morning feeling quite bright, if I’m being honest. There was zero residual resentment, which I had expected, but instead, I felt grateful that Master had gone ahead and cucked me despite it being difficult for me. Indeed, I felt excited that it had happened, and over the course of the following two days after he had returned home and we had talked about it like adults, I found myself back in a very good space.
It was true that I had been going through PMS; my debilitating cramps proved it two nights back. That probably explained my strong reaction. That said, Master also owned his oversight, that he ought to have recognized that he shouldn’t have changed plans and expected me to be fine. A lot of the pre-cucking work I do involves narrowing my focus on the other lady, building (often false) comparisons and internalizing them so I trick myself into believing that I have no right to jealousy because of how much better she is than me.
Problem with Wednesday was that not only was I lacking in prep work (we hadn’t had a scene before Master left), I also had whatever little prep I had done on my own destabilized. Again, we learn new things every day, which is why Master has refused to remove my safeword for cuckqueaning, knowing full well I might have the need to use it one day. He reiterated that he rather I feel empowered to know I can pull the brakes whenever I need to, rather than to allow resentment to breach our foundation.
I think I might like one day to be comfortable enough to make the decision to rescind my safeword, I feel it will show that I trust Master fully in this, but I recognize I’m not ready for this just yet. I don’t know when or whether that day will come, and perhaps I romanticize too much the notion of having no control. For now, I will go with giving up control, as I chose to do last week. It made Master extremely proud of me, and I can’t deny I too am proud of myself. It was the first time I had chosen not to take the easy way out.
Master and I always have an intense scene every Sunday. Prior to Sunday, I asked Master to punish me for Wednesday, particularly for trying to manipulate him by pulling the wife card and not wanting to own my safeword. I also asked to be punished for trying to cockblock Master, but this one was more to fit with our narrative than something I truly felt sorry for doing. Apart from the punishments, I asked Master to use his scene on Wednesday to humiliate me. I experienced such irrational jealousy and resentment to this woman I’ve never met, I wanted to see if trying to fetishize the jealousy would help me overcome it.
Let’s just say that Master delivered, as he usually does. It’s been hours since our scene ended and I’m physically exhausted with a very sore ass, both cheeks and asshole. Master used the delrin looped cane on me today, hard, multiple times, making me apologize and thank him after each stroke. I had to verbalize what I was apologizing for, which was extremely humiliating. “Piggy is sorry for trying to cockblock you, Master” has quite the ring to it. So do “piggy is sorry for trying to overstep its boundaries” and “piggy is sorry for trying to manipulate you, Master”.
Master drew many comparisons between me and his lover today… That she has a great ass for fucking, whilst mine is small and only good for pain, that she has legs that go for miles while mine are… Well, let’s just say I’m 5’1″/156cm and leave it at that. The kicker for me was when he started fucking my pussy, but only just a few strokes, declaring “it’s very loose, isn’t it. I really don’t like this hole” before withdrawing and plunging his cock up my ass. I could tell that Master had held back a little, giving me just small doses to see how well I could take the verbal humiliation. I did very well though… Every line he delivered made me even wetter and begging for more. I’m hoping he will hold back less in future.
Master also stretched my ass today. He rubbed his fingers against my clit and pussy to lube them up, making me squirm, and then pushed them into my ass. He fingered me anally to multiple orgasms while I thanked him ceaselessly for letting me cum. I’ve made some sort of peace with the knowledge that I don’t get to have clitoral and pussy orgasms. Thank goodness my ass is quite as sensitive as it is. It’s quite powerful to me to feel Master literally take his pleasure from me everytime we fuck, pounding my throat and my ass while giving zero fucks about my clit and pussy. If anything, these and the chastity belt are the constants that keep me in a state of submission.
My ass is sore because at one point, Master stuck four of his fingers in it and then managed to squeeze his cock in as well. I have not felt that full in a long time. I was broken by that point, more or less crying into the mattress, my face a mess of snot and spit from when he’d facefucked me with my head off the edge of the bed. I felt like I had already taken so much and still it was not enough. Still, he wanted to wreck his fuck pig just that bit more, by testing and stretching its ass to its limit. At the back of my mind, I worried a little that his actions over time might cause my ass to get so loose he wouldn’t be able to feel much while fucking it. When I raised this after the scene, he just laughed and said he could always stuff a dildo in at the same time, then cheekily added that would give him more reason to fuck younger tighter pussy. I creamed.
Finally, I’m going to share a little about my aftercare/after scene process since I realise I don’t talk about it much. We usually cuddle for a bit until I’ve stopped trembling, then we spend some time apart letting our minds process and settle. We do a debrief either hours later or the following day. After this scene, I was so tired I fell asleep in Master’s arms for a good twenty to thirty minutes. When I awoke, it felt like an amazing power nap. I showered and then treated myself to some Asian food delivery (fried Vietnamese noodles with grilled pork and prawns) and watched some Netflix to unwind. A glass of wine also helped in my come down, and of course, the writing of this entry.
Tomorrow’s the start of a new week. It looks like Master won’t be headed to Paris this week and maybe the next, though that’s not confirmed. Part of me is very happy he’ll be home, part of me is craving to be cucked again. I’m such a confused piggy.