I’m not sure what happened this week. I started off being very excited about the two cucking sessions that’d been planned. Both took place as scheduled, no surprises there. But what was surprising was my reaction towards both scenes. Let me elaborate.
The first was with Ms S earlier in the week. I couldn’t get into the headspace while caged. I mean, she was hot, the whole setup was hot. But I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to enjoy it. Master and I had a debrief after the session and we reckoned it was probably a combination of it having been a weekday (thus we didn’t have time to prep me before the scene) and me being on my cycle (thus hormonal). The day after, I actually felt tonnes better and I kept getting wet when I thought back on the scene, thus I figured all was well.
Prior to Master’s play date with Ms N yesterday (Saturday), we did some prep work. I proposed to Master some light and relatively comfortable bondage options to put me in while caged, so that I would feel more immersed in the scene. We did a trial run on Friday evening where I spent 90 minutes caged while cuffed in mitts with a vibrating butt plug up my ass. It was delicious. I was so in the headspace and so excited about Ms N coming over.
Fast forward to earlier today. Master did a bit of pre-scene warm up with me, spanking me and ensuring I was in a good space before cuffing and caging me. Just before Ms N arrived, he turned on the butt plug, checked all was good and left the playroom. And everything was good… For about the first 30 minutes. Shortly after, I started getting in my own head and making movies about Master leaving me if I told him I wanted to stop being cucked.
I’m not sure how or why I started spiraling, but spiral I did. I didn’t want to share my husband/Master with anyone anymore, I didn’t want Ms N to drink our good wine (yes, I seriously thought of this and it was making me very upset lol), etc. I got so upset and restless with the entire situation quickly. But I decided to wait it out, let Ms N leave, and then tackle it with Master. I was still worried sick he would blow up at me.
When Master came to release me, he found me sitting in the cage without my collar and cuffs. I’d managed to work them off me (he had attached them loosely on purpose as a safety measure). When he asked if I was alright, I was shaking and asked him to let me out. He did and we then had a good talk. He was super supportive, patient and kind. I felt so stupid for even worrying he would overreact.
The verdict… We’ve decided to take a break from cuckqueaning. Master thinks that cuckqueaning as a kink is extremely difficult for me to process because of how emotionally masochistic it is. I keep getting drawn back to it, but perhaps we need only have such scenes once every few months, rather than every few weeks. Everything else in our dynamic remains constant – the long-term orgasm denial, being anal-only, etc.
I am extremely monogamous, I don’t like sharing Master at all… And it was precisely this that made the kink so deliciously humiliating to me. However, perhaps it is an itch I need scratched only once in a while. So I’m sorry, followers… Particularly to those of you who love my cuckqueaning adventures. Those will be on the backburner for a little while.