The Reawakening of Desire

Photo by Alexis Fauvet on Unsplash

Hello again. I think it is high time that I revive this blog. It’s been more than a year since I started this blog with the objective of making journaling a habit. Yikes, that didn’t quite take off, now did it? Anyway, over the course of the past year that I haven’t written, we had a handful of playdates with other women. A few were cognizant that I was Master’s cuckquean and were able to play their role of cuckcake to differing degrees. The rest, I joined Master in co-dominating.

And then, of course, the pandemic happened and meeting other people for anything, much less play, became impossible at worst, unadvisable at best. We took time off cuckqueaning, spending our newfound shared time at home exploring our other kinks. However, and rather unfortunately, because of how much time we were spending together in the same space, we got too comfortable with each other and the D/s slowly disappeared. We’d still have very kinky sex, but we didn’t play as much and all the rules and protocol that were previously in place, vanished.

A few times over the months, Master asked me to think about our D/s dynamic – where it stood and where I saw it going. It took me months to find an answer, but I finally had one. I shared with Master that I didn’t think I qualified as a slave because (1) I don’t enjoy service unless I know I am getting something out of it; (2) I have trouble following rules and protocol unless I am sexually motivated. I confirmed that my main mental kinks are orgasm denial and humiliation, and my main physical kinks are anal play and pain play. I ended off by confirming that my ideal D/s role was that of the denied and humiliated cuckquean, and while I was submissive by nature, I was more of a brat by design.

And, that’s when I decided to go all in and shake up my cozy little existence. In a bid for us to return to doing what truly fulfils me, I asked Master to please make me a cuckquean… a properly humiliated one. I believe that this was equal parts impulse and readiness. Yes, it was probably impulsive in that I’m currently at the tail end of my period and horny as fuck. I’m always extremely suggestible at this time of each month, so what seems like a great idea right now has a high chance of being just a tolerable one later. However, that being said, I also strongly believe that I am (finally) ready for this. 

I asked him to start meeting and fucking other women… on his own. This is a pretty big step for me because I used to struggle so badly with separation anxiety when I was with my ex-husband/dominant. I still remember absolutely losing my shit while he was getting ready to go meet some woman. He didn’t give me much say in the matter. He’d just informed me that he’d like to go on a date with this woman and I was expected to suck it up and be ok with it.

With Master, it’s so different. I think the main difference stems from me knowing that he actually wants and prioritises spending time with me. That never used to be the case with the ex. For most of my marriage to that man, I constantly felt like I was holding him back from doing things and meeting people. Master and I have been married for close to six months now, and we dated for a year prior to that. I’m amazed at how little I have struggled with jealousy. It’s actually pretty ironic because Master has actually been fucking other women in the time we’ve been together. I know he uses tinder and I know he has conversations with women he finds interesting. However, I’ve never felt the same pang of anxiety or jealousy that I used to with the ex. 

I feel like I am finally ready to make real my constant fantasy of being a cuckquean. With regards to Master going out with other women, I want to be a good cuck who does everything from making the restaurant reservation for him and his date, to tidying and preparing our home for them to enjoy, to begging to please be allowed to pay for their dinner, drinks and transport, all in exchange for the privilege of being allowed to hear all about his date while sucking his cock right after. It’ll be so hot if I’m allowed to edge while hearing about her laughing at his jokes, flirting with him, etc. 

In my fantasy, while he’s out at a nice restaurant wining and dining her, I’ll be home stretching out my ass-pussy and (maybe if he allows) teasing my horny clit. And then when they are home and fucking, I would love to be allowed to lock myself in the playroom, cuffed and diapered, not making a single sound. But I recognise this might be difficult and also kind of an asshole move towards the other woman who thinks the apartment is empty. So, the other option is that I leave the apartment and go wait somewhere close-by instead, like a budget hotel. That will be quite humiliating to be kicked out of my house so that Master can fuck someone else in it. 

I also begged Master also to please keep me on a strict regime of orgasm denial and abject humiliation. I really savour being kept a denied and humiliated cuckquean. To be more specific, I begged Master to make me anal-only. I can cum from anal sex, but these orgasms are nowhere as satisfying as pussy or clitoral orgasms. I don’t think I should be allowed pussy orgasms at all. There has to be some sort of distinction between the cuck and the other women who Master fucks. And well, if I’m being honest, I feel that I can live without pussy orgasms indefinitely, even forever. They’re nice, but not mind blowing, and they serve the fantasy so much better if they are nonexistent. 

I like the narrative of my pussy being so sloppy (which is actually very true if I’m kept on denial) that it cannot bring Master any satisfaction when fucking it. I know this is not entirely true, but it’s been proven in the past that whenever Master had to fuck my pussy rather than my ass, he wasn’t as turned on and he took much longer to cum. So, I think it is only appropriate that Master shouldn’t have to use my pussy at all, especially if he has other pussy to fuck. The only time he would probably need to put his cock in my worthless pussy is when he’s trying to breed me, but this is only 1-2 days a month, and I will beg him to use my other holes to get close and then to slide in my pussy when he’s ready to cum. (We’ve done this before and it was insanely hot to feel him thrust in my pussy for just a handful of times to reach orgasm. It really made me feel like a cum receptacle… And I loved it!!!)

As for my clit… This is a tough one. I love clit orgasms. Love love love them. They feel amazing, and actually are very helpful during periods when I am stressed or anxious. However, I also recognize that when I am allowed to cum often, I don’t feel submissive at all. For this reason, I realize that it is mandatory for Master to very strictly control my orgasms if I am to successfully embrace cuckqueaning. I do want to be permitted to edge because I know I need to do so in order to remain horny, but I begged Master to only allow me proper clit orgasms when Master gets pussy that’s not mine. The idea of tying my orgasms to Master cucking me is to rewire my brain to associate the two, so even if I’m jealous, I’ll still beg him to please enjoy other pussy. Also, I really want to internalize the rule that Master’s pleasure comes first, and mine doesn’t matter. 

So, in summary, I want to really be a denied and humiliated cuckquean… Master’s anal-only piggy cuck. I want to never have a pussy orgasm again, and to live for those few thrusts when he breeds me, imagining how lovely it would feel if he would just fuck my pussy longer… how lovely it must feel for all the other women he fucks. I want to feel so small in comparison… his worthless little piggy who only gets used for his pleasure. To be reminded that if we so succeed in getting pregnant, I will never have reason to have his cock in my pussy again, except perhaps pity or when he’s bored. Oh lord. I want to support his liaisons with other women, from financing his dates to accommodating their use of our home for sex. And I want to be made to beg for the privilege of doing so.

It embarrasses me that this is what I want for myself because it is so much the opposite of what I’ve been taught to believe I need. But I need this. I know that now.

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